Matahari Jingga

2017 akhir aku putuskan untuk merantau lagi. Setelah tahun sebelumnya gagal dalam 6 bulan merantau dan di serang berbagai penyakit, mulai dari rindu rumah, mag tiada membaik, insecure mendarah daging dan penyakit people pleasure yang bersarang di anak yang belum genap berusia 18 tahun yang nekat hidup sendiri tanpa perencanaan yang matang dan tidak mau meminta bantuan. Beberapa alasannya masih sama, mengejar cinta masa remajanya, mengejar hidup bebas tanpa aturan di sekitarnya, dan berlari menuju tempat yang sepi untuk menghidupi jiwanya. Naif memang, karena sejauh apapun dia berlari dunianya tidak pernah sepi. Ramai akan selalu menetap di dalam kepalanya. Sehening apapun keadaan sekitar, tak akan ada damai yang dia capai. Tetapi dia tetap melakukannya. Karena dia memang sungguh se-naif itu. Sebelum dan sesudahnya tiada henti dia selalu berterimakasih kepada seseorang yang pada akhirnya membuat dia mempunyai tekad sebulat ini. Ralat, tekadnya memang selalu bulat, nekat adalah ciri hidu...

To the person who i love.. like... or I interested to.. how's the feel being someone whose the name always i called? everyday, everytime, or every opportunity? how's the feel being someone who can see my worse time? how's the feel being someone who can see my tear? or easily makes my tear drop? how's the feel being someone who always get some suggestions about anything without u asking? and last... how's the feel being someone who always listen to every.... weird thought.... in my mind? how's the feel being that one? suck? tired? sick of me? or.... ilfeel? well, sorry to make you feel that way. I really appreciate every single time that you spent with me. Every understanding.. every emphasize..every anger.. and everything..... yes sometimes I makes everyone who i love, like, or interested to sick of me. sick of everything on me. but believe me, I can do all that things cause i get comfortable with you.. and believe me, you makes me break my high wall, and let yo...

 I just realized we can't delete the feeling. All that I do is just try to ignore it, denial, and not be honest. Someone said if I fallin' to somebody I will give them a lot of exception. Well, I think I do. I ever feel a lot of things between us so different, but, I try to didn't care about it. Yes, I loved clingy boy, but you are clingy to.... everybody. I am a very jealous girl, and you didn't like it. I loved something clear, not blurry. But you are so grey. But again, there are so many exception that I can give to you. You wanna be friends? let's be friends. You wanna be bestie? Sorry I can't I still wanna be a girl, so please look at me like I am a girl. Do you ever think that I can be strong? Yes, I am, but still, I am the clingy one. But I am only clingy to the one who I want, so, if you think I'm clingy or maybe too clingy, well you are that one. Should I give you some congratulation ? Well, I think no, 'cause it's not something you think is...

The hurtest part is not because we are broken, but how about the plan we made?  That sentence really wakes me up. I became silent for a while, not cause I don't feel the pain. I do feel it. More or less. But then I remember, you will not feel the pain. You will not think about it. Even think about me. There is no goodbye in our farewell. You just left because I don't give you a text. Think we're broken just cause I do nothing for our conversation. And said, I left you because I ever complained about our communication. Maybe, you just forget. About how long I waited for your text. How excited I am about our communication. Either it's just a text, a call, or a meeting. And maybe you don't know, the day I text you and tell you about how busy I am until I forget to text you a week, It's a lie. Cause, there is no day that I'm not waiting for your text. There is no day, that I'm not checking my phone, and hoping I'll see your name in the notification. And ...

 Sometimes I just wanna play hide and seek, then I hide forever. But, how long is forever? As long as we know each other? Btw, if you asked me, do I hate you? it's a kinda hard question. I wanna say yes, but I can't explain why. I wanna say no, but I think I do. It's still hurting, but at the same time, I still miss u. I still can't process what things we did, back then. But here I am, accepting everything that happened. . I have a question, is it you, the one who lemme fall for you, or is it's me, the one who wanna fall for you? You said you trying to get closer to me, but you have trouble with your confidence. But then, you leave me. You said sorry for pushing me back, but then you do it, again. . You said we never lost something that was written for ourselves, but you did even not fight for it. You don't want to fight for your feeling or you just don't wanna fight for us, or maybe for me? . You know what? Stay. Or please leave me with another reason. So I...

 Sedikit aneh, karena malam ini Saya menuliskan tokoh yang berbeda dari sebelumnya. Saya juga tak mengerti dengan apa yang sebenarnya Saya rasa. Beberapa waktu lalu Saya menuliskan tentang Dia yang sepertinya belum usai di dalam pikiran Saya. Lalu malam ini, Saya menuliskan Anda yang nampaknya tak pernah terbayang sebelumnya. . Sebelumnya, Saya rasa begitu menyenangkan dapat mengenal Anda. Meski nampaknya semesta belum merestui untuk sebuah temu, beberapa panggilan suara dan video nampaknya sudah cukup untuk menghadirkan rasa bahagia disela-sela perbincangan kita. Anda pernah berkomentar tentang betapa putisnya saya, hanya karena Saya memposting ulang tulisan orang lain. Lalu tak diduga, malam ini Anda akan salah satu makhluk yang akan abadi di dalam tulisan Saya. . Saya hanyalah amatir, tulisan yang Saya tuangkan hanyalah apa-apa saja yang terdapat dihati, pikiran, dan nalar Saya. Jadi, nikmatilah dunia Saya. Tempat dimana Saya akan menjadi manusia yang jujur yang mencoba menuangk...